Lost Love
by Janzan-Swomps
Summary: Helen muses over the loved ones she has lost in the past year. Spoilers season 1 and 2 up until 'Haunted' 2x11


_A/N:__ This is the second fanfic I wrote. I hope you enjoy it, if you want let me know. I want to thank my beta xxTrinityxx for the help I got. And I love spelling control, it saves me. __Don't own it, so don't sue or I can't go to England to improve my English._

_**Warning! Spoilers season 1 and 2 up until 'Haunted' (2x11)**_

**Lost Love**

She felt lonely. Everyone was leaving her this year. Well, not everyone, but all people she knew for a long time.

First her father. She had spent time searching for him when he just went missing, but they had never been able to find him. She still did not know were he had been all those decades or why he had not let her know he was alive. She had finally completely stopped searching for him after twenty-five years when it was not longer likely he would be alive. She thought he would have been dead by then, if not because he was killed by whomever made him disappear, then because of old age.

She should have known that like a lot of things in her life things were not as simple as they seemed and she should have foreseen the possibility that she could one day run into him. She had not, which made the shock that much bigger when she did.

After finding him by accident and she saved him from the Cabal, Gregory Magnus left. He told her he would be close when ever she needed him. But like all the years before, when she was searching or thinking he was dead, he was not.

_~Sanctuary~_

Then James. He was one of her dearest friends and one of the people she could turn to when she was lost for answers or when she needed guidance because he knew what it was like to lose and know. She had known him for almost her entire life, which was rare. Not only because of the fact that it was not a normal lifespan. He had also never left her during her life.

She had not just known him like a friend you lost contact with during the years and you occasional met and talked with about old times. He had been there her entire life, she had known him and he her as well as possible for two people to know each other as friends. He was the only one of the Five she had kept in regular contact with. He had died on that disastrous trip to India. James had died there because his exoskeleton failed.

_~Sanctuary~_

And Ashley. She could barley manage to think about it. She lost her daughter, the light of her life, her real reason for wanting to continue with life. She still woke up to nightmares about Ashley teleporting to her death. The way her daughter had looked at her in her final moments.

She suspected that Will knew or at least suspected that at the moment she was not half as passionate about the Sanctuary as she appeared. If she was really honest with herself, she did not give a damn at the moment. However, she knew better than that if she could not keep up the appearance of keeping it together she would fail. She would fail the Abnormal community. And if she failed them she would have nothing. So she just had to keep working and keep up the appearance she was dealing with it for the sake of the Abnormals. And not in the least for Henry, Big Guy, and Will; they had lost her too. She would keep it together for them.

_~Sanctuary~_

Then Jimmy. Another old friend lost because he wanted to do the right thing. He killed himself in order to safe their lives. She should have told him she was proud of him more often, he had done great after he had joined them. She thought that in the end even Kate was able to forgive him. She had failed Kate too. If she had known, Kate would never have been involved in the whole operation.

_~Sanctuary~_

More recently she lost Nikola. He and John had left the Sanctuary to go on their quest against the Cabal. She had found Nikola Tesla in Mexico trying to again gain world domination This time through addicted teenagers, turning them in to Vampires.

God, Nikola! What did you do? What were you thinking? Well they had managed to reverse it, but now Nikola was not a Vampire anymore either. Would she lose him too? Would he also grow old and die? What were his new found powers? She already lost him in some way since he was not the same anymore as he used to be.

He had been horrified about losing his Vampire identity. To be honest, she had been too. She may not like his plans for world domination, but she was not sure if she was strong enough to lose him. She would terribly miss him, he may not be around normally, but she could count on him as a constant in her life. An annoying constant and one who would bring trouble but he knew her and she was not willing to lose that connection she had with rapidly less people.

_~Sanctuary~_

And most recently, John. She still had doubts about that one. She killed him and brought him back to life. She still wondered which of the two actions the wrong one was. It had hurt way more than it should when she killed him and when she was able to bring him back there was way to much joy she felt. She wondered if she would ever be able to let him go. Could she stop loving him?

And latter she let him take it back and she let him leave, to God knows were. She hoped she could find him and find a way to extract the 'rage' as he called it, preferably before he made a mess. It had almost killed her when he said he loved her, she had wanted him to stay. Without his 'rage' he was her John again. She had however meant it when she had said it was far too easy to blame it all on the 'rage'. She wanted it to be the 'rage' that did the killing and not him. She had not wanted him to go and lose him again. However like always she had let him go so he could save them and she had lost him again.

_~Sanctuary~_

She hoped she would be able to save some of those closest to her. She did not know if she was able to continue when she lost them all. For now she would help Big Guy, Kate, Henry, Will and the others in the Sanctuary so they would be able to continue with their work. In the meantime she would try to help Nikola and John. She would try to help those who needed, because that was what everyone counted on. But sometimes she just wished she could let go and stop losing people, but that was not who she was. She would continue, because that is what she does.


End file.
